Stupid Movies To Waste Your Winter Time
Say it with me, America: WINTER SUUUUUCKS! Especially in Boston right now.
Since we're all snowbound and stir-crazy, just inches from grabbing an axe and going all "Here's Johnny!" on the household, we need something a bit more potent for distraction. But this is also the time of year when you've caught up on everything decent to watch, and you also need an outlet for your hate.
Hence, this list. These aren't simply bad movies. These aren't underrated gems. These are STUPID movies. Drain your brain, abstain from pain, and watch these turkeys get slain. At least until they get taken down from YouTube...
But first, we will set your hopes up for the rest of this list. This is actually a fairly passable slasher flick in the style of Italian Giallo grinders of the 1970s, except it's Canadian. Pulp, schlock, cheap thrills abound in this cheesy tale of a producer gathering a bunch of actresses together in his snowbound mansion for a weekend of auditions for a movie role. It keeps you guessing and delivers on the jump scares. And if this is actually your favorite movie, you are one sick little puppy.
It gets far stupider from here on down, we promise.
Mutant (Forbidden World)
This is it: They tried to make a sweeping space opera on a Star Wars scale with a high school drama club budget! Believe it on not, this actually counts as the most professional film on this list, since it was directed by alleged professional filmmaker Roger Corman. Space-hopping drama where they go to a lab on a planet where the scientists are making a big scary monster, and oops, what do you know, it breaks loose and does bad things. Which does happens to look like a vicious attacking pile of poop. Never saw that coming. Believe it or not, these props were all recycled from another movie set. Because you counldn't blow all that money on foil-covered cardboard with embedded Christmas lights and not get some extra use out of it.
The Driller Killer
Brainless amateur effort where you'll never quite decide whether it wants to be taken seriously or not. With a title like that, we don't even have to tell you what it's about. However, the artist studio apartment is a mix of stoner crash pad you regret visiting in college, and hysterical thrift store paintings all over the place because our protagonist is an artist, you see! Nasty and useless, like a roach coach burrito.
Rock n' Roll Space Patrol
Eeeeh, it's a pretty cool movie, it's lightly amusing and doesn't afraid of anything. A movie you could literally make yourself with some friends goofing around, a camcorder, and some software editing. Filmed at scintillating locations like the mall, a vacant lot, a convenience store, an abandoned building in a vacant lot, an abandoned car behind a parking garage... It can't really be said to be about anything but a waste of time. You will not find less demanding viewing anywhere on the Internet. On the other hand, it is absolutely guaranteed to have every bit as much story as every rock video you've ever seen. And for being a laptop production, it's at least proficient.
Oh, you wanted something really horrible? Fine then, here you are, the bottom of the barrel. Even The Room managed to get its edits right. Even Plan Nine From Outer Space managed to tell a linear story that made some kind of sense. This is about a girl possessing, possessed by, or just generally being weird around an apparently haunted doll. Be prepared to get exhausted saying "What the hell was that all about?" after the first ten minutes and then just lay there in agony watching the random lights and sounds bathe your skull in Lovecraftian chaos. Guaranteed to slash chunks of points off your overburdened IQ.